


What a Life

by rainywonnie



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Illness, Mentions of Cancer, Oh Sehun-centric, Other, Sickfic, Slow Burn, i’m so bad at updating i’m sorry, minseok is in the army but is still present, ot9 or die yixing is here too, sehun is dumb, tbh a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2020-07-23 08:11:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20005096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainywonnie/pseuds/rainywonnie
Summary: It started off as something small. Literally.ORThe story of Sehun learning that some battles are easier to fight with your friends behind you.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys !!!  
> this is my first ever published fic (apart from my old cringey wattpad fics eww) !  
> the updates will be slow but I PROMISE I WILL FINISH THIS  
> this is dedicated to my best friend niamh 💕 keep bothering me to finish this, ok ?  
> hmu on twt @rainywonnie

It began as something small. Literally. Jongin and Sehun had been practicing all day for an upcoming music show, the mirrors of their practice room foggy from the heat. After probably the 50th run-through of the song, the younger slumped to the floor and groaned, kicking his legs like a child. Jongin smiled fondly and turned the music off. 

“C’mon Sehunnie,” he cooed in a teasing manner, skipping over to the sitting maknae and massaging his neck. His playful expression fell as his brow furrowed slightly.  
“Jesus Hun-ah, I told you to stretch before.” He pressed against Sehun’s jugular lightly with gentle fingers. “Your neck’s all swollen, it feels like you’re storing rocks under there!”  
Sehun lightly swatted at Jongin’s hands. “Whatever,” he grumbled lightly. Absently, he reached up and rubbed his neck, fingering the swelling gently. It was small, but didn’t feel like muscle. It was softer than that. He went to the mirror, trying to look at the mystery tissue, but was interrupted by the deep baseline of the song. He scrambled to his position, and forgot all about the bumps on his throat.

The next time he became aware of them was about a week later. They’d all gone to Junmyeon’s house to eat, to celebrate Kyungsoo’s departure from the military. Sehun had been excited all week to eat and drink with his favourite hyungs, but as he woke up for the fourth night in a row drenched in sweat, he suddenly felt drained. A quick glance at his alarm clock revealed it was around 3:00 PM, which was alarming enough because he never really slept in that late. A heavy weight settled in his stomach which oozed dread into the rest of his body. Something wasn’t right. He cast his mind back to the swelling in his throat and reached up to probe at the area, gasping quietly when he discovered it had nearly doubled in size. “What the..?” He grumbled to himself. Scratching the skin at his neck, which had also become increasingly itchy over the past week, he headed to the bathroom. Looking up in the mirror, he was met with a distorted version of himself: his hair, sodden with sweat, stuck to his face which looked sunken. He hissed as his reflection tenderly touched his neck, red and covered in scratches where he’d torn the itchy skin. Catching sight of his hands made him step back slightly; they were near-skeletal. 

Sehun was confused. He didn’t really feel sick, or ill. His body, however told a different story. He stood there for a long time, poking and prodding at his inflamed skin and the swelling around his throat, trying to avoid the cold gaze of the man staring before him. Was he sick? He started to think his mirror was playing tricks on him when his phone vibrated. He glanced at it, not really caring about who it was, but he caught sight of the time. He had been stood there for nearly and hour and a half, and he had to meet up with his hyungs in half an hour. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he hissed under his breath, quickly flicking on the shower and shedding his clothes. He peeked at himself in the mirror, huffing at his hipbones which seemed to jut through the mirror in a 3D-like fashion. Realising he was staring again, he raised an eyebrow at his reflection, who unsurprisingly mimicked the action. He stuck his tongue out childishly, but soon realised he was running out of time. He jumped into the shower, and pushed it to the back of his mind.

It was easy to forget everything with his hyungs. Jongdae and Baekhyun were being loud as always, Chanyeol encouraging them but acting innocent when Junmyeon tried to settle them. Jongin had drank too much soju (still much less than everyone else, although he’d never admit it), and as a result his cheeks glowed a rosy pink. He giggled along to the group’s antics, although Sehun didn’t think he really knew what was going on. They had brought with them a framed picture of Minseok and had facetimed Yixing for a little while. And the guest of honour? Well, Kyungsoo sat quietly, smiling softly at his members, at his family. Sehun eyed his hyung, and they made eye contact. Kyungsoo held his shot up to Sehun, and they cheer’sed each other from across the table. Sehun drank the soju, enjoying the warm feeling it left in his stomach, but frowned slightly when it caused a pain in his neck, where the swelling is. He had donned a turtleneck to hide the scratches, not wanting his hyungs to worry, and so he couldn’t touch his neck, but he knew that it hurt. Absently he rubbed his neck uncomfortably. All the scary thoughts from before and the image of his now-scrawny figure came rushing back, and he stood up quickly, excusing himself and hurrying to the bathroom. Kyungsoo frowned and went to follow the youngest, and Chanyeol’s eyes followed Sehun keenly. However suddenly Jongin laughed loudly about, “Ah-! Our Hunnie’s had too much to-to drink!” He banged the table with his fist, unable to control himself. Junmyeon quickly tried to grab his arm, cursing to himself. “Do you have to go?” He moaned to Kyungsoo. The whole table dissolved in laughter and any concern was forgotten. 

In the bathroom, Sehun stared at himself in the mirror. Tears began to burn his eyes as he took in his reflection. Gently, he tugged down the collar of his turtleneck, hissing as the fabric irritated the skin. His whole throat was clearly swollen now. He ran his hand through his hair and tugged lightly at the strands in frustration. Looking back at the mirror, he let his hands fall, but they felt weird; ticklish almost. He looked at his palms and couldn’t help the sob that escaped his throat at the clumps of his inky hair between pale and shaking fingers. Quickly he turned the tap on, trying to wash the hair away. It stuck uncomfortably to the sweat that soaked his hands, so he turned the water on hot and watched as his skin turned red. The scalding sensation on his fingers distracted him slightly and he spaced out, until he heard Jongin shouting again. He quickly shook his head, mumbling to himself that everything was fine and turned the water off, leaving the bathroom and heading back to his hyungs.

Jongdae was telling a story loudly and enthusiastically; one that they had heard many times before. Chanyeol and Baekhyun kept making fun of him, saying things before the elder could get there and ruining the story. Jongin seemed to have deflated slightly, eyes closed as he rested his head on Baekhyun’s shoulder. Junmyeon was laughing quietly along to the story and trying to sneakily take Jongin’s drink away: all of them looked significantly more flushed then before and he noticed a while new empty bottle of soju on the table. Due to this, Sehun was able to sit down unnoticed and so didn’t have to answer any questions. He was thankful his hyungs were all alcoholics. However, as he looked up from his red hands, he caught Kyungsoo’s concerned gaze, and realising where it lay, he hid his hands under the table. As Jondgae wrapped up his story, Junmyeon yawned and so did Chanyeol. They decided to call it a night, since Jongin was pretty much catatonic at this point, and started to say their goodbyes. Sehun got up quickly, saying goodbye to all of his hyungs. He hugged Kyungsoo quickly and tried to pull away but the elder kept hold. “Sehunnie...” He began, and the maknae grew nervous. He pulled back to look Kyungsoo in the eye and his hyung opened his mouth to speak again but suddenly there was a huge crash as Jongin fell off his chair. The intoxicated boy laughed from his place on the floor and the rest of the members looked at Kyungsoo, who sighed and went to peel Jongin from the floor. “I can’t believe I’m enlisting tomorrow and you’re still making me look after him.” The members laughed and said goodbye to the pair. Sehun couldn’t help but wonder if that would be the last time he would see Kyungsoo.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys, i updated !!!  
> thank u for all the reads and kudos, it means a lot to me :)  
> feel free to comment anything - i love talking to people 💕  
> still dedicated to niamh, my biggest fan  
> hmu on twt @rainywonnie

Sehun barely slept over the next few days. He couldn’t, too afraid about what was wrong with him. His hair was still falling out, and there was a visible bald batch that he had to cover with the rest of his hair. He’d also developed a wheezing cough that often left him breathless. It started off as general discomfort in his throat, a scratchiness he couldn’t place the cause of. He tried to brush it off again, but it was becoming increasingly difficult. It developed into a light cough, which further turned into deep and wheezy barks, sometimes leaving him doubled over and gasping for breath. Thoughts rushed through his mind. He constantly had a sick feeling in the pit of his gut, worry and anxiety rolling his stomach. 

Luckily for him, they’d had a few days off so none of his hyungs had seen or heard the new development. He didn’t want to worry them, especially after the departure of Minseok and Kyungsoo. Junmyeon had a constant tired look about his face, and Baekhyun was stressed about his solo project. Now that their eldest had left, and Kyungsoo wasn’t there to look after them anymore, Sehun wanted to step up and help his hyungs. 

However, it didn’t go unnoticed by the staff. For his upcoming unit with Chanyeol, they really wanted Sehun to have a vocal role in the songs, and so he had been going to vocal practice nearly every day. It was tough. He felt weak and in a bad headspace, but he would carry on for Chanyeol. He was so excited about their unit, ever since ‘We Young’ was released. On this day, when the weather was gloomy, drizzle and black clouds marring the sky, the practice had been going well, until it wasn’t. After hours of singing and rapping, restlessly exercising his vocal chords, his throat slowly grew dry. It sparked a coughing fit that made his legs weak,shaking like jelly to the point where he had to sit down. His vocal teacher, concerned, quickly got him some water and rubbed his back, but it still took several minutes for him to get his breath back. “You should’ve told me you were sick, Sehun-ah,” the teacher began. “I would’ve rescheduled.” Sehun waved his hand and shook his head, instantly regretting it as the room span and a fresh wave of nausea rolled over him. “I’m not-“ He cleared his throat, surprised by how hoarse he sounded. “I’m not sick.”  
His teacher sighed. “I think you are, Sehun-ah. You’re looking quite pale and thin, and that cough is no joke. At the least, you should go to the hospital and get some fluids.”  
This surprised Sehun. “Is it noticeable?” He said quietly, admitting he felt unwell. “No one else has noticed.”  
The teacher just nodded. “Go to the doctors, Sehunnie.” His tone was softer now. The two got on well, and he cared for the younger. Sehun nodded. “I’ll go hyung, I’ll make an appointment now.”

He secured an appointment for the next day, still having a couple more days off before they had to start working again. He hasn’t slept still, catching about an hour, but as an idol it wasn’t something he wasn’t used to; it was just harder because he was sick. As he entered the doctor’s surgery, the white walls near-blinded his sensitive eyes, after being locked in his dark room. He checked in at the desk and sat in the waiting room, bouncing his leg anxiously. His phone buzzed with a text from Baekhyun to the group chat, telling them to watch his new vlog and like it. He smiled and clicked the link, laughing quietly to himself at his hyung’s antics. He almost forgot where he was, until a nurse poked her head out of the door. “Number 13?” Sehun quickly stood, fixing his mask and hat, and went to the woman. The clinic was private, and sort of specialised in idol care so that any conditions didn’t get into the media, and so they didn’t call names but numbers instead. Sehun sighed at the knowledge that his number was unlucky and followed the nurse, who chatted to him. He gave absent replies, staring at the floor as he followed her. He avoided the gaps in the tiles to try and distract himself, but it provided little comfort. Reaching the doctor’s room, she ushered him in and closed the door. 

“Oh Sehun-ssi?” The doctor asked with a gentle tone. Sehun looked up, wringing his hands. “It’s... Uh, You can just call me Sehun,” he stuttered, bowing. The doctor smiled and bowed back. “Please, take a seat.” He gestured to a chair and Sehun sat. “What seems to be the problem?”  
Sehun took a deep breath, still keeping his eyes to the floor. “I-I’ve had a cough, recently. It’s uh... It’s wheezy? Sometimes I can’t catch my breath like, at all.”  
The doctor nodded. “Did it come on suddenly? Are there any other symptoms?”  
Sehun shook his head, playing with his fingers nervously. “They’re not really symptoms...” He trailed off. The doctor gave a reassuring smile. “Any changes in the normal will help me figure out what’s going on. You’ve probably just got a chest infection but to be sure, I need to know everything.”  
Sehun took in another deep breath. “I’m-Um, I’ve had some... swelling? Like at the sides of my neck.” He poked the area, again wearing a turtleneck to try and hide that and scratches. “And I’ve been sweating loads at night, and my skin is itchy? And I’ve suddenly lost a lot of weight, and um...” He was quiet for a moment. “My-My hair is falling out.” He took his hat off and showed the doctor the thinner parts of his hair. His eyes strayed from the ivory tiles to the doctor’s face, whose eyebrows were furrowed and he began to pull some gloves on.  
“Okay, Sehun-ssi. Can I ask you to remove your shirt for me first?” Sehun nodded and moved to take off his jacket. He caught sight of his hands shaking and clenched his fists tightly, the knuckles turning white. He shrugged the coat off and removed his shirt. He was slightly self-conscious and so pulled his shoulders inwards. The doctor frowned. “You’ve really been scratching at your skin.” He gently probed the inflamed skin, Sehun trying not to flinch or recoil. He did shiver though, always feeling cold due to his weight loss. “I’ll prescribe you some ointment for this; I know it’s hard, but try to not scratch.” He then moved to the swelling. “Well this is rather drastic, isn’t it?” Sehun nodded but tried not to move his head too much. “Have you noticed similar swelling in the armpits and groin area?”  
“I’ve not really checked,” he replied.  
The doctor hummed. “Can you lift your arms for me?” Sehun held his arms above his head, trying not to move as the doctor poked at his underarms. “Okay, there is some swelling here.”  
Sehun swallowed thickly, avoiding the doctor’s eyes. “So it’s... it’s not a chest infection then...” He put his arms down as the doctor stepped away. His expression now seemed somber. Sehun could immediately tell that something wasn’t right; the ugly feeling in his chest worsened. 

The doctor sat back in his chair and began typing. “You can put your shirt back on, Sehun-ssi.” He was occupied with the computer for a second, frowning and then turning to the idol. “Okay, I’ve sorted the prescription for that ointment; you can pick it up when you leave.” Sehun nodded and smiled weakly. “As for the other symptoms, I’m going to refer you to the hospital, where they’ll take a biopsy. It’s a small procedure but the area they’re trying to reach - the lymph nodes - can be tricky to reach and so they may have to use a general anaesthetic as opposed to a local one. I’m sorry to have to tell you this but these steps are necessary as I do believe you may have a case of Hodgkin Lymphoma.”

Sehun could barely understand any of this. He felt like he was underwater, and the words were muffled. He couldn’t breathe in the murky depths, and couldn’t seem to swim out either. His ears began to ring. He felt hands gripping him and pulling him further into the depths of the grimy waters so he fought, vaguely registering pain in the back of his head. The pain seemed to bring him to earth. 

The voice became clearer. “-Hun-ssi? Can... hear me, Sehun-ssi?” He nodded, unable to speak. “You’ve just had a panic attack, okay? You’ve banged your head: I need you to sit down for me so I can have a look. Can you sit down in this chair for me?” Gentle hands guided him and he sat down in the uncomfortable chair. He felt poking and prodding at the back of his head, a dull ache settling in his skull. “Sehun-ssi.” He looked up at the doctor, eyes hazy and unfocused. “Have you had panic attacks before?”  
Sehun shook his head. “I-“ He cleared his throat. “I’ve never felt anything like that.” He glanced around the room before looking back at the doctor. “I have cancer? That-That’s cancer, right? I’ve heard about it. Please, you have to be wrong, I can’t do this, I can’t-“ He started to lose his breath again.  
“Sehun-ah, please try to stay calm. I know this is hard, and we can’t be sure until we’ve taken a biopsy, so try to remain positive, okay?”  
Sehun almost scoffed at the doctor, but recognised his kind expression and gentle touch and tried to control himself. “Is it...” He swallowed thickly again, as if there was a mass crawling up his throat and trying to suffocate him. “Am I going to die?”  
The doctor shook his head, smiling reassuringly. “Nothing is certain right now. But even if you do have Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, it’s a cancer with an high remission rate, and many people survive it.” He put a hand on Sehun’s shoulder. “Go to the hospital tomorrow, okay? I’ll fit you in tomorrow so we can find out straight away. Can you make it, Sehun-ssi?”

Sehun could barely hear the doctor. He nodded absently, too shocked to reply. He took his prescription and his appointment slip. Somehow he made it to the pharmacy; he didn’t remember walking there. Everything rushed past his head, as if the whole world was sped up and he was in slow-motion. He didn’t remember getting the cream, he didn’t remember stumbling home through the sodden streets of Seoul. 

Somehow, when he came back to himself, he was in the shower. Still fully clothed, he sat with his knees pulled to his chest. He looked around, in shock that he was in his own house. Tears sprung to his eyes as he gripped his hair and pulled. “What is happening to me?” He shouted, pressing his aching head into his knees. When he let go there were strands of his hair; that made him even more angry. He thrashed, trying to release all this tension that was trapped inside his body but it was stuck, and the pressure was rising. Eventually he just slumped against the wall, not crying, but just simply empty.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaaa i’m so sorry i know i’ve not updated in ages :(((( i can’t believe this fic even got one read so im so grateful for anyone who chooses to spend their time reading this trash 💕   
> scream at me on twt @rainywonnie

Sehun didn’t sleep. Sleep didn’t meet him with a kiss at the cusp of night, didn’t pull him in with long limbs and a smoky haze. No, sleep didn’t come. Sehun sat on the big windowsill in his room, leaning his head on the glass as rain pelted the window in angry torrents. The earth wept with him. He bit all his nails down to stubs and pressed his forehead against the surface, trying to cool down even though he was freezing. His loose white shirt and sweats should’ve been enough for springtime in Seoul but Sehun was recently freezing all the time. He felt like he was already a corpse.

Staring out of the window with dead eyes brought little comfort to the youngest. He watched the rain, then his eyes would maybe flit to a car passing by or a drunkard stumbling home; most of the time he looked at nothing. His eyes remained unfocused as he got lost in the depths of his mind. Cancer. They thought he had cancer. He thought about his career, his friends, his family. What would they do if they knew? And, if the worst was to happen, what then? What legacy would he leave behind? Oh Sehun, maknae of EXO and..? He didn’t have anything else. He wasn’t an amazing dancer like Jongin, a beautiful singer like Jongdae or Baekhyun, he couldn’t act like Chanyeol and Kyungsoo. He was 2-Dimensional.

These thoughts plagued him and took him away from his dark room and instead to an even darker place, his own personal hell in his mind. He only came back to himself when the Sun started to peek up over the other buildings in the concrete jungle. The light hurt his eyes so he moved to lie on his bed. He was still trying to clear the dank fog from his mind. When he looked around, the clock on his nightstand read 7:12 A.M. He had to leave at 8 o’clock for his biopsy. He made to get up out of bed, but failed. Trying again, a weak and frustrated grunt huffed past his chapped and bitten lips. He couldn’t move. Why, after being awake and restless all night, was he suddenly fatigued and lethargic? He felt like his body was full of lead, or that he was cemented down. Tears of anger, or maybe it was fear, rolled down his cheeks and soaked the sheets around his head. He wished he could drown in them.

Sehun couldn’t move until ten past eight. He didn’t leave his house until nearly ten to nine. He was late to his appointment by nearly 50 minutes. But that didn’t matter to him. When he got there, a seemingly stressed nurse ushered him through doors and asked him questions. He barely answered them; she was moving too fast. Everything rushed past him. Somewhere a baby was crying. He found himself sitting in a chair. A doctor was speaking. Was he speaking to him? He was startled by his phone ringing. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “Can I take this?” His hands never stopped shaking since this all began; the doctor took note of this. “Yes, of course. Go into the hall; you can come back in when you’re ready.” Sehun thanked him and left. “Hello?” He mumbled, not checking the caller ID. “Yah! Oh Sehun!” It was Junmyeon. “I’ve just been to your house, where the hell are you? We’ve been given an emergency schedule, it takes priority over all other things today.” 

Sehun began to pace, gnawing on his already abused lips. He forgot to reply, anxiety mounting in his chest. “Hello? Sehun-ah?” He could hear the stress and irritation in his hyung’s tone. “I’m here, hyung,” he said softly, trying to soothe him slightly. “Where is ‘here’, Sehunnie? I’ll send a car. We have to be ready by one to appear in an interview with no preparation. You need to come now so we can at least lessen the blow.” 

Sehun’s whole body felt cold when Junmyeon said this. Should he tell his closest friend, his protector, his leader where he is? Should he break his heart over the phone by telling him that the kid he’s raised since being a teenager might have cancer? It would be easier; he wouldn’t have to lie, wouldn’t have to face it alone. Taking a deep breath, he began to reveal the truth. “I’m at the h-“ He was interrupted however by a woman, bursting into the hallway. She wailed, cries filled with anguish as she sunk to the floor. Sehun couldn’t help but stare. He tried to make out the words that poured from bitten lips; “Husband-sick-scared,” and perhaps the word that stuck out the most, the one she spat out as if it were poison: “Cancer.” 

The poor boy froze. His blood turned to ice in his veins. He could barely recognise Junmyeon’s voice calling him from his phone, which was grasped loosely from his limp grip. He felt like he was melting. Was that what would happen to his friends? Would Baekhyun wail like her? Would Junmyeon try and take on the burden and support all of them, killing himself at the same time? Would Jongin punch a wall, or smash a glass, in rage at the world? Or, alternatively, would they care at all? Would it matter to them that he could die? He was replaceable after all, a burden.   
He couldn’t tell him. He couldn’t destroy what they had all worked so hard for by being selfish. He brought the phone back to his ear, catching Junmyeon’s concerned ‘Sehun? Sehunnie?’ through the speaker.   
“I’m here, hyung,” he said quietly.   
“What was that noise?” Junmyeon asked.  
“Nothing, hyung. I’m just at the... dentist, and a woman is scared of injections so she’s crying.”  
“You’re at the dentist? That wasn’t scheduled today. Why are you there?” Sehun sighed, biting at his nails. He was anxious; he hated lying to people, especially Junmyeon. “I uh-I chipped my tooth, hyung,” he said. That was convincing, right? Obviously, as Junmyeon them started ranting about he should be more careful and blah blah blah. Sehun didn’t listen. A sick feeling was spreading through his veins. The top of his head felt cold. “-Hunnie? Sehun-ah! Are you listening?” He swallowed thickly and shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. “Uh, yeah. Look, the chip is really small and they’re just fixing it as a precaution. I’ll be there before one, okay? I have to go, they’re calling me in now.”  
He hung up just as his hyung said, “Wait, Se-“ He couldn’t listen anymore. Tears were welling up in his eyes. Taking a deep breath, he steadied himself and went back into the room. 

The doctor smiled warmly when Sehun came back in. “Is everything okay?” Sehun nodded but didn’t answer further than that. “How-um, How long will this take? I have somewhere to be later on.” The doctor sighed slightly. “It’s hard to say: usually we do the procedure under local anaesthetic but due to the severity of the swelling, I think we may have to use general anaesthetic and we usually like the patient to stay in overnight for that.” Sehun started shaking his head. “No, no-I can’t stay overnight, I need-“ He clenched his fists in his lap and bit his lip, his eyes burning. “I’m scared.” He looked up at the doctor, whose heart went out to the boy. He really did seem young here, like a teenager. “Is there no one you can call?” He asked quietly. The trembling kid in front of him thought for a second, and then shook his head. Cursing in his head, the doctor stood. “Let’s get you in there - the quicker we do the procedure the sooner you can leave.” He smiled reassuringly, and led Sehun to prep.

Sehun could barely walk. He was tired, and scared, and anxious about the schedule. He changed into the gown they gave him and followed the nurses like a zombie. They tried to talk to him but he wasn’t able to reply. He knew he was being rude but no words were forming in his mouth. When one nurse held the door open to the operating room, he stood stock still. “There’s still time for me to call someone for you, Oh-ssi.” He breathed in deeply, closing his eyes and flexing his toes. “No, thank you.” He entered the room, and felt like he had signed his death warrant. He climbed onto the bed and felt like he had just climbed into his own coffin. And when the anaesthetic started to creep around his body and dull everything, Sehun felt like that was the end of all things.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys !!!!! im still so shocked at the support this fic is getting !! it means so much to me :,) so here’s an update as thanks !! i really worked hard on this chapter - with fan fiction i usually focus more on story rather than technique but i worked hard to make it an interesting read for u guys - i hope u agree ?? let me know in the comments - i love interacting w u guys 🥺  
> p.s i made baekhyun be a bit mean but i made him justifiably angry i think ?? idk anyways i love baek to the moon and back so don’t think i hate him i’ll make him redeem himself ... eventually >:)  
> come scream at me on twt @rainywonnie

Coming to, Sehun felt like he had been hit by a train. Maybe a freight train. Maybe two of them. His head was foggy but not fresh, like the fog on a cold winter’s morning. It was sticky, and almost hot. Perhaps it was less of a fog, and more of a thick black smoke, coming from the burning building that was Oh Sehun. Feeling heavy on his shoulders, it was hard to hold it up. He felt that smothering sleep trying to pull him back in again. Claws dug into his pale skin and ripped holes. He didn’t want to sleep - he was scared. 

He felt a fat and repulsive sick feeling throughout his body. Jumping up from the bed to escape the suffocating pull of slumber, he stumbled. His vision wouldn’t focus as he looked around, clearing and blurring like a camera trying to capture something beautiful. But there was nothing beautiful in this bleak hospital room. ‘I need to go somewhere,’ the youngest thought to himself, breaking from the spiral. ‘There’s somewhere I have to be right now.’ Staring at a black lump on a chair next to the bed he had just been occupying, his brain supplied a useful answer after a few moments - ‘your clothes.’ He nodded to himself (because he was ALONE), staggering forwards and grabbing them. He noted, in the back of his mind, that he couldn’t feel his fingertips, but that wasn’t important to him right now; it should’ve been, but thinking about that would’ve caused him to think about all the other terrors happening around his sickly body right now, and that scared Sehun more than anything. It scared him because he didn’t need this biopsy. He didn’t need a doctor’s opinion or a piece of paper declaring it. He knew.

“Havto b’ somewhere,” he slurred to himself, pulling the gown over his head clumsily. He managed to get his shirt on with minimal effort, but his jeans were another story. Struggling to get them on, he kept losing his balance and toppling over; an onlooker would’ve regarded this scene with the same morbid fascination as watching a building getting demolished. By the time he’d wrestled them onto his skinny legs, he was panting and exhausted. He was shivering as well, feeling cold like he hadn’t before. 

Looking around the room again, he caught sight of himself in a small mirror on the wall. Dark circles framed his red eyes, his skin was so pale he was almost translucent. It would be an easy cliché to describe him as a vampire, but in reality he looked worse than one. He struggled to move closer, some of the fog (smoke?) in his head clearing up. He tilted his head to look at his neck, remembering that his neck was the reason why he was here in the first place. He gasped. A few circular-shaped bruises spanned a large part of the left side of his throat, and there was a small cut under his jaw where they had made the incision. The bruises almost looked like pools of blood - his brain was too smothered for him to remember that that was literally what bruises were. The circular nature confused him; he would later realise that they were from the doctor’s fingers. He started to now register the pain coming from that area. He was transfixed with the wound - how was he going to hide that? Sighing, he shook his head. “Have to be somewhere,” he whispered to himself like a mantra. 

Finally Sehun put on his hoodie and checked his pockets - he had his phone. Reaching to check it, he groaned; it was dead. He flipped his hood up and stumbled to sign out. He mostly went unnoticed - he guessed there had been a car accident or something as many people were being rushed in and nurses were running around barking orders at each other. It might sound insensitive, but the thing he was having to endure had made him realise something - people get sick, people get hurt, and people die. It doesn’t matter who you are in life, because you’re no one in death. Sehun’s eyes stung at that. The greasy sick feeling welled up in him again, but he quickly swallowed it down and shook the thoughts from his head. ‘I have to be somewhere.’ Now he just wished he could remember where. 

On the streets of Seoul, he noted that the sun was low in the sky, almost ready to let the moon take over for the night. The air was cold and crisp, and helped to clear some of that hot smoke (fog?) from his mind. However, low sun meant that it was late. It was spring, after all. That ignited another sick anxious feeling to take over his body. ‘I’m late for whatever it is,’ he thought. Walking unsteadily, passersby spared him a confused glance and then carried on with their lives. He chuckled to himself dryly, imagining the Dispatch headline, ‘Oh Sehun drunk in the streets of Seoul?’ Well, read it and weep. In reality, he had cells ravaging his body from the inside out. Cancer. The thought made him stop still in the street. It’s hard to explain what he was thinking and feeling - unless you’ve been there, body destroying itself and everything burning around you, you can never know what it’s like. His mind raced with thoughts and he felt himself getting carried away until he remembered, ‘I have to be somewhere.’ Still not knowing where, he looked around, trying to figure out where he was. As he looked straight in front of him, he saw the SM building. 

Dumbstruck, Sehun just stood and stared at it. ‘How did I get here?’ He looked around behind him and didn’t remember any of his journey. The sky was considerably darker than before. Maybe he was already dead, a ghost wandering through the smoggy streets of Seoul in search of... whatever. He was done with this narrative. Rushing forwards, he entered the building and made for the practice room; maybe that’s where he was supposed to be? He had no idea, still coming round from the anaesthetic. His eyelids drooped from exhaustion. Even if he wasn’t supposed to be here, here is where Sehun would stay. He didn’t have it in him to go anywhere else. With these thoughts rushing through his head, he didn’t realise he’d walked straight into someone. Immediately he bowed, slurring apologies and rushing past them. Jumping into the elevator, he caught the concerned eye of a couple of NCT members before the doors closed. The two guys outside the elevator looked at each other. “Hasn’t he been missing all day?” The other shrugged. “I don’t know, hyung.” There was a tense silence for a second, maybe two. Then, “C’mon, let’s go eat.” They moved on, like everyone else.

As Sehun made his way to their practice room, he felt that anxiety again. He didn’t know why but it came on him in waves, rolling over him and sapping any strength he had. Peering through the small window on the door of the dance practice room, he gave a small smile.He could see his members all sat together, discussing something. ‘This is where I’m supposed to be.’ 

He pushed open the door. “Hey gu-“ Everyone’s gaze turned to him, and they didn’t look happy. He surveyed his members: Chanyeol sat on the floor, looking at Sehun with his brow slightly furrowed; Jongin looked surprised, caught off guard almost; Baekhyun looked furious, his eyes ablaze with rage; Jongdae almost looked relieved, and finally, Sehun looked at Suho - the elder just looked tired. 

Immediately Baekhyun was off the couch, coming towards Sehun and wagging his finger. “Don’t ‘hey guys’ us, where the hell have you been?! You didn’t come to the schedule, you’ve not answered any of our calls or texts, and then you walk in here as if nothings happened?” Sehun was silent, completely shocked by the outburst. He opened his mouth and closed it again. “Yah! Say something, Sehun-ah! Who the hell do you think you are!?”  
Sehun stepped back, scared slightly. He wasn’t sure what of - his members would never hurt him. Not physically, at least. “I-“  
“I don’t wanna hear it!”  
Sehun furrowed his brow at this. “But you just said-“  
Baekhyun cut him off again: “Shut up! Honestly, Oh Sehun, you are so-“  
Junmyeon interrupted him. “Alright Baek, that’s enough now.” Sehun looked at his hyung and could see how worn he was. He bowed his head in shame. Baekhyun’s brow furrowed further at this.  
“No, this really isn’t good enough! We’ve all got things going on Sehun, not just you! You can’t just drop in when you please! My solo album comes out real soon, and I could be working on that, but instead I have to spend all day looking for you! Chanyeol’s been busy preparing for YOUR comeback, and you don’t even have the decency to help out! Jongin has showcases, Jongdae has his own stuff and Suho-hyung has been working his ASS off for all of us! Not to mention the group things we have to do! So where were you, hmm?”  
Sehun looked up, trying to meet his hyung’s eyes, but he was stared back down into submission. With a small voice, he spoke. “I-I was at the... dentist, hyung.” Chancing another look at Baekhyun’s face, he could almost see the pure rage building in his face.  
“BULLSHIT!” Baekhyun roared at him, and Sehun seriously flinched back this time. “We called the dentist, they said you weren’t scheduled there today and that you didn’t show up for any ‘emergency’.” Baekhyun’s tone was pure acid as he took another step forwards. Sehun’s back was against the door now, head sideways as Baekhyun was up in his face. “Tell me where you were.” His breath fanned over the maknae’s face, hot and angry. Sehun opened his mouth to speak again but he was interrupted by Jongdae from across the room. “What’s that, Sehunnie, on your neck?” 

Jongdae could never stay angry at their youngest for too long - he had just been worried about him. He had a soft spot for Sehun; everyone did, but there was a special place for the maknae in Jongdae’s heart. Baekhyun immediately moved his hands up and pulled Sehun’s hood down. Frantically, the maknae tried to pull it up again but it was too late; Baekhyun had seen. He took and few steps back, silent, as was everyone else in the room, for a minute. Sehun could hear his heavy breathing. “Hyung...” He started. This was it - they were going to cry and yell at him and then everything would be revealed. It would be out in the open. He felt sick to his stomach, sure he would actually vomit, but a sense of relief drifted over him. He wouldn’t have to hide. Maybe they would support him? Maybe they could hide it from their managers together, and he wouldn’t have to leave EXO. 

He was surprised however to hear that Baekhyun’s voice was scarily calm as we spoke. “You’re telling me,” he stepped forwards again, fisting his hands in Sehun’s hoodie, “that you didn’t come to our schedule,” he yanked the maknae closer to himself, “because you were getting fucked?” Sehun sucked in a breath, completely shocked and slightly hurt. Any relief he was feeling quickly faded - his stomach rolled and he swallowed thick saliva accumulating in his mouth. “What-No, hyung! They’re not-“ He froze. And in this moment, Sehun knew he could either come clean about what had happened, or go along with this lie that Baekhyun had crafted for him. He could make his members angry, and they would be, but eventually they’d get over it. Or he could become a great burden on a group already stretched too thin. He chanced one look at Junmyeon’s exhausted face, and he knew. It should’ve been a hard decision, but it wasn’t. He hung his head in shame. “I’m sorry.” Baekhyun almost snarled as he pushed Sehun, and the weakness from before meant that he fell to the floor in a head. No one came to help him. Baekhyun stormed out, Chanyeol quickly following. Jongin looked hurt and left, leaving Jongdae and Junmyeon. Sehun knew what was coming. “I’m not mad Sehun-ah, I’m just disappointed.” The pair left, and he was alone.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys !!! i’ve been gone for a little while; sorry about that !! i missed u all and wrote this update for you, i hope u like it :) i know i day it all the time but thank you so much for all your support. i really thought this fic would get like ten reads at most and that literally no one would ever comment, so to have such a nice audience that believes in what i wrote is amazing. what other fandoms are u guys in ??? i’m not gonna start a new fic whilst writing this but maybe when it’s done i could take requests from u guys or something if you’re interested ?? let me know, i love talking to u  
> scream at me on twt @rainywonnie

Time seemed to pass slower for Sehun over the next few days. Maybe because he was running out of it, so some benevolent god somewhere decided to extend it for him. At times, he wished they wouldn’t, like now, as he spent yet another night, curled up in bed and sweating profusely, yet shivering. Nausea rolled over him in waves, leaving him stumbling to the bathroom, tripping over things splayed all over his room. He would bruise his knees on the tiles, time and time again, hanging his head over the toilet, but nothing would rise. He couldn’t even gag. He would just stare at the water, watching the ripples on the surface. The first time, his brow furrowed - why were there ripples? He hadn’t noticed the tears dripping off the end of his nose into the bowl. Making an admittedly pathetic noise in frustration, Sehun pressed his head against the cold porcelain. He knew in the back of his mind that it was dirty, but things like that seemed trivial to him at this point. He squeezed his eyes shut. Opened them, looked at the water. A shout tore from his throat; no words, just a strangled noise coming from a deep place inside him. He slammed his fists against the floor, jarring pains ricocheting off his bones and sending shooting pains into his skull like electric shocks. His little tantrum lasted about 2 minutes. After it, he stayed at the toilet, panting softly as he got his breath back. Then he stood, knees trembling, and climbed back into bed. He was empty, apart from his cells burning his frame and digging up the foundations. 

Sehun was paranoid. His phone was going off less than usual; their group chat was dead thanks to the fight, so every time the device made a sound, he scrambled to check it. The shivering boy couldn’t help but hate himself even more for upsetting his family. His thoughts spiralled. ‘Maybe it would be a good thing if...’ He shook his head furiously, as if he could physically remove the thought from his head. He spent all night waiting for a message from one of two options: the doctors, or his members. Surely one would call?

He didn’t sleep all night, and no one called his phone. He didn’t know what he was expecting really, as he dragged himself out of bed the next morning to get to their practice session. He pulled a shirt he had worn more times without washing than was acceptable. Why would his hyungs or a doctor call him at 2:34, or 3:16, or 4:45, or 6:10? He looked around his room for some pants. Just because Sehun’s world might be ending, doesn’t mean everyone else’s should as well. He was selfish. He left with his pyjama bottoms on. As he tugged a hoodie over his head on his way out of the door, he realised it was Jongin’s. Tears filled his eyes but he blinked them away. And so he left his apartment, without his phone, without his wallet, without brushing his teeth, or his hair, without his breakfast, without his hyungs, and without any hope.

Fear flowed through his veins as he went to meet the members. He had made sure he was early; an hour early, in fact. He couldn’t sleep anyways. No point in wasting any more time; he didn’t have any to waste. He knew that Junmyeon always got to their schedules around 20 minutes before everyone else, to make sure everything was running smoothly, but Sehun didn’t see him until 30 minutes after he himself had arrived. He sat in the practice room, knees pulled to his chest. He rested his head on them, finding it hard to hold it up. He could feel the bruises, although he hadn’t seen them. Their steady pain ebbed through him, but it kept him grounded. He didn’t notice Junmyeon come in. He was lost. His eyes were blank and devoid of anything, like something dead. The elder eyed him, clearly surprised at his presence. He looked good, if not a little tired, but certainly better than yesterday. The same couldn’t be said for Sehun; Junmyeon noted how his frame trembled slightly, and how he was pale but had a sickly sheen to his face. However, he put it down to being nervous after yesterday’s events; he hadn’t forgiven him fully and so tried not to think about how weak the youngest looked. “Mornin’,” he grumbled, averting his gaze.

Sehun startled and turned to look at Suho. He stood, stumbling slightly to the side but catching himself, right before dropping into a low bow. “Good morning, hyung.” He cringed at how scratchy his voice was from his screaming fit in the night; thank god they weren’t doing vocal practice. Junmyeon raised an eyebrow at this. “You okay?” He stepped closer to Sehun as he stumbled, going to steady him. However, Sehun flinched back, stumbling again a bit. “I-! I’m fine, hyung. I just-“ He rubbed the back of his neck, looking to the side. “I didn’t sleep very well, hyung, that’s all.” He kept his eyes glued to the floor. Suho opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by the other member bursting in. Smiling, he went over to them, and the moment was forgotten.

Practice was brutal. Sweat poured from Sehun’s pores, and yet he still shivered. The warmth of the hoodie provided some comfort; it felt scratchy on his irritated skin, but it at least helped Sehun’s defeated body to retain some heat.

That all went out of the window about two hours into practice. They had stopped for a water break, in which Sehun had unceremoniously collapsed against the wall, panting. He gulped down water that was too cold and ached his chest as it went down; he didn’t mind much because it ached anyway. He looked up, feeling a gaze on him, and saw Jongin squinting at him.  
“Is that… my hoodie?” the dancer said, calm but sharp.  
Sehun immediately looked down in alarm, and back up.  
“I, um… I think it is? I found it…” he began, but when Jongin didn’t seem to be sated by that answer, he continued; all eyes were on him at this point. “It was hung up at my place this morning. I thought it was yours but I-I wanted to get here on time so I just threw it on.”  
Jongin’s brow furrowed at this. “And you think that’s okay? To just... take it? Wear it?”  
He folded his arms across his chest as he glared at Sehun accusingly. This wasn’t fair - they all borrowed stuff from each other all the time. Just last week Jongin took his comb, and on Tuesday Chanyeol took Sehun’s shoes when he went to the store. Why was he getting in trouble for it? 

The younger looked to the other members for support; Baekhyun glared back at him, Chanyeol by his side looking annoyed. Junmyeon looked indifferent and unbothered by the situation. He met the eyes of Jongdae, begging him to help him with a desperate expression, but the older just averted his gaze, looking at the floor. “Well?” His eyes flitted back to Jongin, before landing on the floor. He knew that this was not an argument he would be able to win. “No, sorry, you can- here, you can have it back.” 

As he pulled the hoodie up over his head, the frigid air pricked his skin like a thousand tiny pinpricks. They kept the air conditioning on high in the practice rooms, but it was never usually this bad. A shiver struck his spine, shaking his whole body; he didn’t know whether it was from the cold or the atmosphere. He held it out for Jongin, who snatched it.  
“Don’t take my stuff without asking.”  
Sehun nodded, meeting the other’s eyes; he noted that he was staring at his throat. It wasn’t as if he had forgotten about the bruises - they ached, and the incision smarted something terrible. He had worn a high-necked shirt but the bruises had unfurled like a rosebud further up his neck, and so were clearly visible. He hung his head to try and cover them. Junmyeon cleared his throat, and spoke. “Back to work.”

It only got worse from there. The fatigue was catching up with Sehun rapidly, settling in his joins and setting them like concrete. He kept stumbling and tripping, and the members kept grumbling and cursing at him.  
“Why aren’t you even trying Sehun, too tired from your little sexcapade yesterday?”  
“Sehun, I don’t understand how you’ve just suddenly forgotten all of our choreography? Are you trying to annoy me on purpose?”  
“Sehun-ah, if you don’t get out of my way in time for that move, I’m gonna flatten you.”  
“Jesus, where’s all your coordination gone?”

By the end of it all, he was panting and trying not to cry. There was a shrapnel-bomb in his chest. It was swelling with pressure and he knew that it was gonna blow soon and obliterate everything and everyone nearby. Thus, as soon as Suho shut the music off and told them to call it a day, he bowed goodbye as fast as possible and left the practice room running before anyone could say anything. He ran all the way home, bumping into people on the street as his vision blurred clumsily with fat tears. Slamming the front door of his apartment closed, he had barely made it before the first sob erupted from his chest. You could barely call it a sob; it was more like a scream, echoing around the empty apartment. He clamped a hand over his mouth, eyes wide and chest heaving as he slid down his door. More of these desperate sobs clawed their way up his throat, and he tried to swallow them down. The pain in his chest was so severe that he thought he was having a heart attack. And to tell the truth? He was glad. Maybe he could die now, and get all of this over with. Was it really worth it anymore? If he did have cancer, it would be a waste of treatment to try to save someone like him. Probably wouldn’t even work. And even if it did, what would be left of him after it? There wasn’t much of him to begin with. His thoughts raced at the same speed as his heart, and his breaths came just as fast. His vision came and went as he sat in his cold apartment, alone, and thoroughly unwanted.


End file.
